Prior to having children I had spent my whole life resenting much of my childhood experience with my parents, and naturally I was certain that in their shoes I could have done it better than them. I clearly remember it was shortly after having my first son that I began to understand and appreciate many of the things my parents did for me. This of course doesn’t mean I forgot or forgave much of what I still believe they could have done differently, but ever since my first son was born it became an opportunity to both do it the way I thought it should have been done, while also gaining appreciation for many of the good things my parents did do for me. Although this doesn’t mean that my children will not resent a great many things I will do wrong while raising them, I do believe this self-awareness will help me do things much better than my father, in particular, ever did.
Probably what I resent the most is feeling like I was not a part of their life. I felt removed from their daily life… a little like dead weight. I remember being treated like a child. At the time I was not able to identify what the feeling meant, but now I recognize it clearly: It was about being treated like someone who could not understand a situation or task, and being pushed aside. I see many parents today treat their children in this manner, a little like idiots… but they are not. I truly believe that all children are intelligent, and it is only after parents have beat them down with enough negative comments like: “You’re too small to do that”, “You cannot this or that”, “You will fall and hurt yourself”, or “You won’t be able to X or Y” that intelligent children turn into dumb adults. Naturally the child will become shy and reluctant to do things, and they will accept your message and begin behaving accordingly: “I am too small or simply not capable enough for this or that”. The child will be programmed with the information you feed them… so my advice is to always be encouraging, think of your baby as an adult, just with less information in their heads. Bring them into your life; have them engage in your everyday life. Treat them the way you would want to be treated.
In my years of analysis of raising my two boys, I have found that more often than not, if I allow them to do the things they want –the way they want to do them-, they will succeed at a task that most parents would be too afraid, or hesitant, to allow them to go through. I call this “Controlled Environment Learning”. Remember that human beings learn through experiencing life, and this quite often means hurting ourselves, which means that if you don’t allow your child to experience a potentially painful situation while you are around, they might just experience it when you’re not. I do not encourage allowing your children to hurt themselves, but what I am saying is to be there ready to catch them if they do fall, rather than yelling at them things like “YOU WILL FALL, DON’T’ DO THAT, YOU ARE TOO SMALL TO DO IT”, thus delaying the learning of that lesson while potentially lowering their self esteem… Plus you’ll be missing out on a potentially great opportunity to strengthening your father-son/daughter bond.
Assume that your child will understand the task you propose, and succeed at it… it will just take them a little longer to get it done than if you were to explain it to an adult. You will have to be patient and take your time with it. Talk to your children, explain the process, make them feel capable and help create a solid foundation that will help them become successful adults. They will love you forever for this. And from time to time they will remind you of how much fun they had while having done this or that with you.
There are countless books you can purchase that will help you with ways on how to get through this. And I have found that you will need to pick up more than just one book, since everyone has a different way of learning things. It is only natural that you connect with one author better than with another. You don’t have to read each book in its entirety, but you do want to read at least a few pages per week from the different books you have purchased. Reading and applying the lessons learned will most definitely help you become a better father.
I don’t believe you need to spend your entire life teaching everything to your children, but I do believe in exposing them to as much as possible while still retaining part of your individuality. So if you are assembling a night table, or putting the training wheels on a bicycle, encourage your children to be around and not in front of the TV until you are finished. Get your children to feel comfortable around you while you are getting your life done. I don’t believe in entertaining them 24/7, that is just too time consuming, exhausting, and soon you won’t want to be around anymore. I believe that to balance being with them while also teaching them, you can have them “hang” with you while you get things done… and whenever you find a task you know they’ll enjoy, and it doesn’t matter how well they perform it, then have them do it, you’ll still have to supervise (And probably redo), but your son/daughter will be so happy and proud of having “helped” that it’ll totally be worth the extra work…. And most importantly, they’ll have had a positive experience while bonding with you.
Ultimately what I’d like to happen here is that you will have done things differently –ideally better- than your parents, and your children will repeat this cycle with their children, and from a more evolved and advanced starting point.
Shortly after my first baby was born I was horrified by the realization that I was completely unprepared for the situation, and that surviving parenthood would take real effort. Interestingly enough several years into fatherhood I continue to have this feeling. It seems no matter how much you read or talk to other people about how to handle a particular situation with your child something always surprises you into the death roll of fear. However, after enough of these experiences I’ve learned that it only seems that our world is collapsing around us and we are terrible dads. I believe then, that the key is to teach ourselves as much as possible so that when we get that horrible feeling in our stomachs telling us that we’re messing up, we can continue with the task at hand with confidence, knowing that we’ve done everything in our power to be prepared. We will never know everything, but we can try to know as much as possible. I’ve always said: “I’d rather make any decision with more information than with less” and that’s the reason for this blog about babies and dads. The good news: Phase one, after the baby arrives is stressful but fairly easy.
Newborn baby – 0 to 2 months
- The baby will sleep between 14 and 17 hours per day, for about the first 2 months. (This is your big chance to catch up on the reading you didn’t do when your wife was pregnant and you were still partying with your buddies)
- The baby’s movements and attitude are not voluntary, they are a reflex. (So don’t think they are being difficult just to mess with you)
- They can establish visual contact with objects 16 to 24inches in distance, and follow shiny objects (So do get in there and interact for as long as you want).
- The baby will not be able to support his/her own weight, which is why you must be extra careful when you prop them up against something, since they will topple over. (You want to do everything in your power to keep them for hurting themselves. It’s a terrible feeling if it does happen… YOU WANT TO AVOID THIS FEELING).
- When you pick him/her up make sure you support their heads, placing it against your chest will always give them a feeling of security (This is a big opportunity to start playing dad… with very little work).
- Place them face down in their crib helping them place their hands in front so it will be easier for them to lift their heads and exercise not only their neck, but their whole brand new bodies (Make sure there are no stuffed toys or extra blankets near their nose or mouth areas, you want to make sure they are breathing easy).
- Talk to them in a clear and calm manner at a distance of no more than 2 feet from their field of view, so they can focus on you. (My advice is to talk to them in the same manner you would an adult that is 2 feet away from you).
- You can sing to them –as long as your signing ability doesn’t make them cry- they will always appreciate the attention. And it helps begin building that special bond.
As men, fathers have a huge disadvantage in the childrearing process since it doesn’t come naturally… the part of making the baby is natural; it’s everything else after that that is not. But there is good news: Having a baby can be, and should be fun, so don’t freak out too soon. I now have two little boys, and despite the difficulties I can’t imagine my life without them, I can’t imagine myself without the lessons I’ve learned so far. I have truly enjoyed everything fatherhood has taught me so far, the lessons learned have transcended into every aspect of my life and bettered it. I must admit though that three years into fatherhood I still have doubts about having placed such heavy responsibility over my shoulders, but I believe this is just my personal inability to let go of the past, when I was without such great responsibility…. So I guess this then becomes another opportunity to overcome a difficulty and to grow.
In the same way that I go through my downs as I seem to do everything wrong, I go through my ups where everything is working out; I’m doing a good job, the boys are happy –not crying at least- and my wife is talking to me (this will be good enough for you, you can forget about being rewarded with sex for doing your job… bummer). But having ups requires a great deal of effort, I do spend as much time as possible analyzing my behavior -which by the way as you know is always evolving- and I also spend as much time as possible analyzing the behavior of my ever-evolving children. And let’s not forget about the ever evolving –and confusing- behavior of our wives. What you have is a situation where the only constant is change, and that is a very difficult situation to be in if you don’t recognize it and accept it. This absolutely means that if you’re not aware of the fact that things are always changing around you, you may have a heart attack before your kids finish kinder garden. Resistance to change will kill you. You must be able to roll with your new family’s punches, and not just today, or on the weekends, because if you want to be happy and have an enjoyable family life you will have to go with the flow every single day for the rest of your life.
Now, this may sound scary at first, but it only is so until you let go of the past. It is the past that keeps us from being free in the present. Our minds keep reverting back to: “When I was single…”, or, “Before I had kids…” Not only is this behavior damaging to yourself, but it’s also ruining your kid’s childhood and your relationship with your wife. So do yourself a favor and forget the past, live fully in the present moment where everything is actually happening, make the most of what is happening right now, and have fun with you wife and children…. Baby care will be tons easier then.